Processing Anger with an Open Heart

Anger is an intense and primal expression of the life force.
It is a burning flame that cannot be ignored

Anger is the psyche’s alarm system, demanding attention to a boundary of ours that is being invaded, to an injury or pain that is being denied.

The function of anger is similar to the function of a fever. It helps to burn out unwanted, incompatible elements in our innermost Self.

Anger may also be protecting our vulnerability from what we perceive as an external threat.

If we pay attention to it, though, we will realize that anger always comes to us with a message that we need to listen to so we can use it for our own growth.

Just like with a fever, if we suppress or ignore the symptoms, then the illness will remain unchecked. So it is with anger.

We need to remember that the anger we feel toward someone else is not an accurate evaluation or judgment of who that person actually is.

Anger is really an expression of our own feelings communicating with us, telling us more about ourselves than about the other person.

If we use the anger we feel to our advantage, it can lead us to greater clarity and wisdom, so that we can live our passion with integrity, develop our inner power, and become capable of acting assertively, rather than aggressively, on behalf of what we cherish.

Listening to our anger and letting it teach us about our true Self is clearly an act of self-compassion. 

There should really be two different words for anger: one for “anger-with-the heart-closed” and one for “anger with-the-heart-open.” Most anger in our society is “anger-with-the heart-closed.”

Many of us are in the habit of automatically using our anger vindictively to protect ourselves or to impose our will upon others.

We may think ourselves totally justified in diminishing, devaluing and demeaning others’ esteem or character, when in reality the threat we are experiencing is to our own ego.

We may believe that we do this for “their own good.” We may even believe that the will we are trying to impose is God’s will. From such unconsciousness have come generations of abuse. From such self-righteousness have come millennia of “holy” wars.

“Anger-with-the-heart-closed” is destructive.

There are, however, times when our anger can be a gift to ourselves and to the other. When it is not simply our own ego twisting in a knot, and trying to use the other person to undo the strain.

In the moments when we feel great heat and an urgency to react, we need to stop, and then turn our gaze inward, and while becoming aware of and curious about what our anger really is, we can ask ourselves:

• Is this anger covering a deep fear or anxiety?
• What am I unwilling to feel?
• Can I listen to this person with interest and curiosity?
• Can I pause and respond without aggression?

When there is no desire to blame, we can speak with great clarity and power. We may roar like a lion, but it is a healing roar.

We may challenge the other, but always with respect. We may be outraged by their actions, but we are infinitely fair, because we always keep in mind people’s freedoms, and, above all, the freedom to choose what they want to do with their lives.

This is “anger-with-the-heart-open,” the type of anger that expands us, that remembers our humanness, and that leads to reflection, growth and integrity.