Shame

As children, we see ourselves in the eyes of those we love and respect.

Shame often begins in childhood through experiences with parents, siblings, peers and others.

Children are susceptible to feedback and learn at a very young age what behaviors elicit praise or disapproval from others. Repeated experiences of embarrassment, rejection, humiliation or/and disapproval can become internalized, shaping a child’s self-concept and belief systems.

These experiences may not be remembered consciously, but they are internalized in the unconscious, and may surface as anxiety, for example.

Shame can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, people-pleasing behaviors and difficulty forming secure relationships mainly because they fear to show themselves authentically and not be accepted.

Many people with high levels of shame see themselves as “defective”, not “good enough” or “less than” compared to others. This colors how they view themselves and the world, limiting what they feel capable of and deserving of.

Shame can also cause people to isolate themselves, avoid social interactions and withdraw from activities that bring them joy. The fear of judgment and disapproval prevents them from fully engaging with life. Over time, shame saps motivation and energy, leaving a person feeling stuck and powerless to change.

Shame is detrimental to our lives because it involves feeling bad about who we are as a whole person. Shame says “I am bad”, not “what I did was bad.”

When we feel shame, we see our whole self in a negative light. Shame often involves feeling exposed, defective or inadequate in front of others. We feel the need to hide or withdraw when experiencing shame.

With self-awareness, however, shame can be recognized, and with tools and support, people can overcome shame and reclaim their inherent self-worth.

The first step is recognizing how shame operates and is triggered. Then, people can challenge their core shame-based thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve them. They can also learn how to meet their core emotional needs in healthier ways.

Practicing self-compassion is key, and reframing past experiences can also help overcome shame over time. Seeing one’s perceived “flaws” as simply part of the human experience allows space for growth and change.

With support, we can all reclaim our sense of self, expand our identities beyond shame and move forward in life with renewed confidence. Transformation is possible.