Making Friends with Yourself

Making Friends with Yourself is the Art of Self-Compassion 

Life offers us so many opportunities for great joy and pleasure but it is our sorrow that can undoubtedly have a detrimental effect on our confidence and on our ability to trust who we are. It is in moments like these that we need to make friends with ourselves by cultivating self-compassion.

Challenging times are often accompanied by anxiety, impatience and a deep sense of uncertainty. When we perceive we have failed in one way or another, we tend to push ourselves too hard, be overly critical, and be plagued by our own detrimental thoughts whispering “You are not good enough.”

We hold ourselves to unrealistic standards of perfection and then we judge ourselves if we do not live up to them. And the result is devastating.  

That negative self-talk can create a truly dark place. Feeling inadequate or broken in some way is the deepest and most pervasive suffering in our society, and even though we have this need for belonging, we tend to isolate ourselves. The American Sociological Review  found that one in four Americans feels lonely, that they lack meaningful communication with others. It is our own poor self-concept that keeps us from being intimate even with our loved ones. Sometimes this results in us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted at the end of the day as the negative self-talk drains our energy. In our desperate search for relief, these feelings can even drive us toward false refuges such as all kinds of addictions.

So, what’s the answer?

To stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. To stop trying to label ourselves as “good” or “bad” and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion that we would show to a loved one. The answer is to embrace the totality of our experience, both the delightful parts and the difficult parts. To make peace with ourselves.  To accept and honor who we are with flaws and all.

When we are facing challenging times, Self-Compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff says,  instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

So how can we start incorporating Self-Compassion into our lives?
Here are 8 Components of Self-Compassion:

1. Be aware of the narratives you tell yourself, and how those thoughts shape your emotions and behaviors.

Is that inner voice constantly negative, stressed or judgmental? Becoming more aware of the thoughts that run through your mind will allow you to understand and redirect them. Try to be aware of any negative, self-critical thoughts and self-talk, and recognize that these are just thoughts and interpretations, and not reality. You can then explore ways in which you can re-frame negative judgments with more compassionate ones. As yourself: Where is my energy going at this moment?

This is a deliberate practice. When you begin to intentionally practice self-compassion you begin to notice how mean you are to yourself. You also begin to see the patterns of your thought process that push you to close down. Mindful awareness is about seeing what is real. You have the ability to quickly change your patterns of thought, and eventually change your life experience when you shine the light of awareness on your cognitive processes.

2. Feeling your body. Pause and notice your breathing. We spend most of our day in our heads, thinking about the past or the future, and we leave the present moment. The body is a great anchor to help us come back to the here and now. The breath anchors you in the body, which is always in the present moment. You never take a past or future breath, you can only take a breath in the present, and this is why coming back to your breath grounds you and calms you down.

 Take a few minutes every day to cultivate a sense of gratefulness for the many functions your body performs – you can see, taste, hear, walk, your organs perform functions you do not even have to think about: your heart has been pumping nonstop your whole life and you do not do it, your body does it. Bring appreciation to the strength, stamina, flexibility and beauty of your body. You can do this practice at the traffic light or waiting at the cashier in a store. Instead of checking your phone and being distracted, you will be contributing to your sense of presence which is an experience that is so soothing. Pretty soon you will notice that this practice will bring you equanimity.

3. Take one or two minutes when you wake up to incorporate a quiet intention. An intention can be very healing, will make you feel like you have more control of yourself, and it is a powerful form of self-care. Here are some examples of intentions:

• Today, I will be gentle, kind and understanding towards myself when I suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring my pain or beating myself up with self-criticism.
• I will become more aware of when I am triggered by an unpleasant emotion; I will notice, feel the energy of the emotion, but not act on it. In this way, I will be training my mind to do what I want instead of letting it control me.
• I will remember that when something upsetting happens, it is not a reflection of who I am or of my value.
• I will not take things personally. If someone is rude or hostile towards me, I will remember that his/her attitude is the product of his own suffering/ stress, as somebody who is happy will not want to make another one hurt. I will feel compassion for this person, as much as I can, and let it go.
• I will neither suppress my emotions nor exaggerate them.
• I will not believe every thought that crosses my mind.

4. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment: Dr.Kristin Neff tells us that self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.

People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced, and we can cultivate positive emotions. Pleasant feelings calm the body, quiet the mind, buffer against the impact of stressful events, and foster supportive relationships.

5. Remember impermanence. Everything changes. If you made a mistake, or did not do so well today, life always gives you the opportunity to do better the next time. Don’t cling to the wound. Don’t complain about it to other people. You only perpetuate your discomfort. It will only make you feel worse. Put what happened in perspective. Everything is transitory, temporary. Things will change.

6. Common humanity vs. Isolation. Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but persistent sense of isolation. We feel alone in our suffering, as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes.  All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect.  Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

Kelly McGonigal Ph.D. from Stanford University Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education says in her book “The Upside of Stress” The sense of being alone in our suffering is one of the biggest barriers to transforming stress.

7. Like the oxygen mask on the airplane, we need to bring compassion to ourselves first before we can be truly compassionate to others. Self-criticism pretends to be helpful but in fact it only makes things worse. You are not making yourself a better person by beating yourself up all the time. Instead, you are causing yourself to feel inadequate and insecure, then taking out your frustration on the people closest to you.

8. Self-Compassion vs. Self Esteem: In her research, Dr. Kristin Neff found that unlike self-esteem, the good feelings of self-compassion do not depend on being special and above average, or on meeting ideal goals. Instead, they come from caring about ourselves – fragile and imperfect yet magnificent as we are. Rather than comparing ourselves against other people, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected in the whole process. And the good feelings of self-compassion don’t go away when we mess up or things go wrong. In fact, self-compassion steps in precisely where self-esteem lets us down-whenever we fail or feel inadequate.

The more often you practice the components of self-compassion, the more your usual self-aversion, self-judgement patterns will soften, and the easier it will be to make friends with yourself.

All compassion begins with self-compassion. If you are not rooting for yourself in each moment, how can you root for others? If you cannot empathize with your own plight, then you are not connected to your own heart. And it is from the depths of our own heart that compassion is birthed. Healing others begins with healing yourself

Life is so short. When we are in our death bed, we will wonder what really mattered. It will not be criticizing ourselves every time we messed up, that’s for sure. What mattered most will be that we lived our lives fully, that we were able to love and be intimate with others. Having self-compassion allows us to be more connected to the beauty of life.

Accepting ourselves, forgiving ourselves, making friends with ourselves, being grateful for the abundance in our life, and allowing compassion to flow through each thought, word, and action is the way we will change not only the quality of our own lives but we will be able to contribute to peace in the world as well.

With much gratitude,
Monica