How to Process Anxiety & Grief

If fear and anxiety are flowing through your system now. If your heart feels tender and raw for the challenges you are going through. If you are tired of so much suffering. If you find yourself irritated longing for the uncertainty to finally come to an end, know that there are ways to come back to balance.

Do not judge yourself. There is a healthy place for those emotions. They are messengers. They are alerting us from a threat and trying  to push us away from it. It is then that they fulfill a protective purpose.

Sometimes fear and anxiety may also be protecting another underlying emotion that most people  want to avoid: grief.

Grief turns us towards our soft, vulnerable hearts, and we may feel overwhelmed. 

Many of us didn’t learn how to connect to our vulnerability as we were growing up, so we don’t know what it looks like to drop down into that undefended place.

Instead, when we are feeling scared or sad, we resort to our default defense mechanism, which is to harden, blame, attack and panic. While these unconscious tendencies do not serve us, it’s where we all often go. It is what we do, especially in difficult times.

What to do in the Presence of Grief

A few months ago, I let go of the armor of my heart, which was apparently more defended than I thought. My heart became very tender. The shield I did not even know I was protecting myself with, melted. And suddenly my heart softened, and I experienced deep sadness.

A very good friend of mine is suffering the pain of witnessing her daughter fall into a vortex of despair, and resorting to drugs to numb and run away from herself.

I was overcome by her experience and by the thousands of people who are suffering from mental illness in silence. I felt sorrow for the increasing number of people committing suicide, for those who have lost their jobs, and the unspeakably stressful difficulties some people are going through.

The deep feeling of loss we are all experiencing, the increasing division & polarization, and the criminal activity going unpunished. The rampant censorship striping our inherent freedoms away makes my heart bleed for our beloved America and the world.

But I did not resist my feelings. On the contrary, I welcomed them.

What we can Learn from Rumi

I allowed myself to grieve, to contact my deep sadness. I welcomed all my emotions, like Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi says in his beautiful poem “The Guest House:”

How to Work with Anxiety & Grief

As I allowed myself to feel the anxiety and the grief in my body, they gradually started to dissolve. I could actually sense the stuck energy in my chest evaporate. I connected to my emotions, I acknowledge the pain. That was all they wanted: to be heard.

I know my emotions will come back again and again, but now that I know what they want, I will not fear them. Instead, I will welcome them as messengers for my spiritual growth. 

Anxiety is one of the many layers of grief which is often neglected. Anxiety and grief are closely connected in many ways.

When someone experiences a loss – whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, losing a job, or even the longing of a past I wish I had but I did not, it often triggers feelings of grief.

Grief itself can cause anxiety, as it involves coming to terms with major life changes and uncertainty about the future.

Common symptoms of grief – such as  difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, trouble concentrating, and fatigue – are also symptoms of anxiety.

As someone grieves, they may start to worry excessively and feel a constant sense of unease. Anxiety disorders like generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder can even develop during or after a period of grief.

The anxiety caused by grief often stems from the loss of security, purpose, and stability we feel the lack of now. The future now seems unclear and unfamiliar. Anxiety acts as a response to these feelings of uncertainty and lack of control.

While anxiety is a normal part of grieving, for some people it becomes severe enough to interfere with daily life.

In most cases, anxiety related to grief will lessen over time as the person adjusts to their loss and new reality. Even for less severe cases, talking to loved ones, joining a grief support group, and practicing coping techniques can help lessen the anxiety that often accompanies grief.

We are all grieving in one way or another. The loss, change, and uncertainty that trigger grief also activate the body’s natural anxiety response.

So, how did I work with the anxiety and grief I was experiencing?

As I allowed myself to feel the anxiety and the grief in my body, they gradually started to dissolve. I could actually sense the stuck energy in my chest evaporate, and as I connected to my emotions, I could acknowledged the pain. All they wanted was to be heard.

I know they will come back again and again, but now that I know what they want, I will not fear them. Instead, I will welcome them as messengers for my spiritual growth. With time and proper coping strategies, the anxiety caused by grief will diminish. As we soften the defenses, the pain comes through.

Rather than running away or ignoring our grief, our power resides in bringing awareness to the emotions underlying that grief.

I invite you to sit with the feelings that arise and feel them in your body. That is the way our emotions communicate with us, that is, in somatic ways. I invite you to stop resisting the challenging emotions that come to visit you.

I invite you to ask the questions that will give birth to your truth and a new way of being. A place of light will open in the darkness, and you will be able to share your innermost self in relationship with others.

Like Mark Nepo says: This requires diving where we are, not running from what is. We must be brave and must beware, mostly of ourselves. For the mind is like a spider. It will weave many webs. But the heart is like an arrow of light. It will pierce a hole in the dark that life will fill. 

So please, do not judge yourself for feeling the natural emotions that may emerge as a result of what you are experiencing.

Hold yourself in the cradle of self-compassion. 

And remind yourself about the impermanence of feelings. Remember, feelings are like an ocean tide. They come and go.

This too shall pass. You will get through this just as you got through other tough times in your past.

So when anxiety knocks on your door, like Rumi also says, you cannot leave it unattended. When fear leads you to see danger in every corner, when it leads us to hoard and to panic or when healthy anger changes into hostility, blame and attack, these emotions are no longer helpful.

It is in moments like these that awareness becomes our ally, our most powerful friend.  Carl Jung said Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.  Self-awareness helps us make our unconscious conscious.

So, listening to your emotions becomes the inner work you are all called to do. And it is the first step towards healing yourself and being able to offer compassion to others.

It is only when we get to know our own suffering, that we can offer …the extra warmth we receive to someone who is shivering. If we could shed the masks that keep us from ourselves, there would be enough to save the world ~ Mark Nepo 

Very warmly,

Monica Jordan