The Art of Listening

Good, Conscious Listening Can Be Cultivated ~ Here’s How

The art of listening is cultivated with the deep desire to understand and connect to the other. Unfortunately, good listeners are very difficult to find and, for that reason, conscious, meaningful conversations are not natural because we are usually more interested in expressing our own thoughts, feelings and opinions. However, skillful listening is a talent we can all learn and cultivate.

Holding a space for the person who is talking to feel comfortable and safe enough not to hold anything relevant back, is fundamental.

Mark Nepo‘s wisdom reminds us that to listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear. When we are capable of nurturing a beginner’s mind, starting with deep curiosity about the speaker’s experience, we can relinquish our urge to anticipate what he/she is going to say, and we can bring curiosity rather than defensiveness or resistance as well as the desire to control to the conversation.

In that way, we can step into the other’s shoes and see his perspective. Out of that, what inevitably emerges is compassion and understanding and, even when we are not in complete agreement, we can have meaningful, win-win conversations, which leave us empowered rather than depleted.

Conscious listening comes from our all three centers: from the head, which helps me understand your content, from the heart, which helps me appreciate your emotions, and from the gut which helps me understand your deepest desires. It is not easy but can be developed with intention and mindful attention. We can learn through committed diligent practice and a deep willingness to grow in consciousness.

If listening deeply and consciously becomes the new norm for individuals, partners, and organizations worldwide, there will be more genuine understanding, appreciation and compassion starting in our families, which eventually will be rippling out to all levels of society.

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How to Cultivate the Art of Listening in Our Children 

What follows is a beautiful story coming to us from Paula Underwood, Clan Mother of the Turtle Clan, Iroquois Nation.

If You Really Pay Attention

“When I was a little bitty kiddy, about five, my Dad began a process … Anytime somebody came and said something to us, my dad would say, “You remember what he said, honey girl?”  I would tell my father what the person said until I got so good at it that I could repeat verbatim even long presentations of what the person had said. And he did this all the time.

Finally, one day there was this old gentleman, Richard Thompson. I still remember his name, he lived across the street.  And every time my Dad started to mow the lawn, there came Mr. Thompson. And so, I would stand out there.

Dad says, “You might come and listen to this man, honey girl.  He’s pretty interesting.”  And so I listened to him, and then my dad would say, “What did you hear him say?” And I would tell him. Well, eventually I was repeating all the stories he liked to share with my dad verbatim.  I knew them all by heart.

And my Dad says, “You’re getting pretty good at that, but did you hear his heart?”  And I thought, what?  So, I went around for days with my ear to people’s chest trying to hear their hearts.

Finally, my Dad created another learning situation for me by asking my mother to read an article from the newspaper. He says “Well, I guess if you want to understand that article, you have to read between the lines.” I thought, “Oh, read between the lines. Hear between the words.” So, the next time I listened to Mr. Thompson’s stories, I tried to listen between the words.

My Dad said, “I know you know his story, but did you hear his heart?” And I said, “Yes. He is very lonely and comes and shares his memories with you again and again because he’s asking you to keep him company in his memories.” It just came out of me.  In other words, my heart echoed his heart.

And when you can listen at that level, then you can hear not only the people. If you really pay attention, you can hear what the Universe is saying.”