The term gaslighting is thrown around everywhere today because our communication skills are so underdeveloped, that we believe disagreement is a threat. Gaslighting involves intentional deception and it is a real and serious problem. It can drive a person insane.
Gaslighting is psychological abuse and, unfortunately, very common in relationships, and also a form of social and political manipulation. That’s why it is so important in this realm to research multiply forms of information, as individuals and groups can be targeted.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation concentrated on making the recipient doubt her /his memory and her/his own sanity, so she/ he questions her/ his perception of reality, and in this way gives more power to the abuser. Typically, it’s a pattern of consistent behavior, something a person engages in over and over to control situations. This looks like:
- Denying something occurred when it really did.
- They lie & deny things even when there is proof.
- Denying conversations or events ever happened.
- Their actions contradict words. Broken promises.
- Manipulating others so they see you differently.
- Creating false narratives about someone (to shame or humiliate)
- Weaponizing a person’s trust to manipulate.
- You find yourself questioning your beliefs & opinions. If your point of view does not match theirs, it’s wrong.
- They give you affection and then abruptly take it away.
- Most interactions leave you small and ashamed .
- When you try to explain how you feel, they’re dismissive, They say you are overreacting or too sensitive.
Gaslighting sounds like:
- I never did that. You’re the one who’s lying
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself
- You’re imagining things
- You’re so paranoid
- That didn’t happen
- I didn’t say that
- It’s not a big deal
- It’s your fault
- I was just joking
- You’re remembering things wrong
- You sound so crazy
- You are so dramatic. Calm down
- Don’t be so sensitive
- You get upset over nothing
- You’re imagining things
- You’re always twisting things
- Why are you so defensive all the time?
- Obviously I didn’t mean it like that
Gaslighting is done by insecure, fearful people who know no other way to get their needs met aside from controlling other people.
Things to understand about Gaslighting according to Dr. Nicole Lepera
- Disagreeing with someone’s perspective IS NOT gaslighting. Disagreement is a natural and healthy part of human relationships.
- Remembering experiences or events differently is something that makes us human. It’s one thing to deny the event entirely and say “you’re crazy!,” it’s another thing to say “For me, this is how this happened.” Learning to listen empathetically is key in healthy relationships.
- With mature communication skills, a person is flexible, open, and does not feel as though they are personally being attacked if someone does not see things the way they do.
- Many people have been raised in homes where the communication was limited to invalidating, shaming, name calling, and overall hostile. It’s common for people raised in these homes to feel highly emotionally activated during disagreement. This doesn’t necessarily mean gaslighting is taking place. Learning open, empathetic communication heals.
- The core function of gaslighting is to over time, chip away at a person’s sense of self trust and to question their own sanity. Always consider someone’s intention.
- Your reality is always valid simply because you experience it. And, multiple realities do exist. This is key to a peaceful, compassionate existence.
Becoming aware that you are being gaslighted is the first step to stop the manipulation. After that you need to set boundaries to protect yourself.
How to respond to a gaslighter
We remember things differently
if you continue to speak to me like this, I’m not engaging
Three I hear you. That is in my experience
I know my truth. I’m not debating it with you
I’m stepping away from this conversation.
Gaslighting could be considered a form of domestic violence if your partner isn’t willing to acknowledge your concerns about their behaviour. Some people think domestic violence and abuse need to be physical, but emotional abuse can happen within what looks like an otherwise fairly functioning relationship – and it can be extremely harmful
How to get help if you are a victim of gaslighting
The first thing to do to if you think you are being gaslit is to speak up about your concerns with someone you trust, such as a friend, family member, a doctor or counselor.
Sharing your experiences outside of the relationship is key to getting some perspective. Having the support of other people will increase your confidence to stand up for yourself.
If you or someone you know has experienced domestic violence or abuse, it’s important to seek help. If you are in immediate danger, call 800-799-7233.
During the last couple of years of a long and unhappy marriage, my husband started to say to me, “You know, your hair is thinning.” I first responded cheerfully by saying that since my hair was much longer than when we were first married, I needed a brush and hairs stuck on the brush, that my hair wasn’t thinning. Every few weeks for the next 2 years or so, he would say the same thing and I’d give the same response, although gradually in a very tired way. I actually thought of feeling like Ingrid Bergman in “Gaslight.” I thought he said that in order to get me to stop coloring my hair although he never objected to that practice. He might have felt that way in order to save money (being a financial abuser) or bc there had been a public question about the connection between hair dye and cancer, now quashed. I never asked bc I wanted to continue the practice and didn’t want to argue in order to avoid hearing insults. Then after the divorce, the word “gaslight” appeared for this type of behavior. In my particular case, I didn’t let husband sway me but I now recognize my responses and behaviors in the examples given above, esp to question my memory and selfworth.