There is no question that communication skills is one of the most important abilities we can possess. The ability to effectively exchange information, ideas and feelings with others is key to building strong relationships, connection and understanding both at a personal and professional level.
By sharing information and viewpoints, we learn from others and help them learn from us. Effective communication fosters an environment of openness where people feel comfortable sharing ideas, feelings and knowledge, all conducive to personal growth.
Many issues arise due to misunderstandings, lack of information or different perspectives. Communication helps resolve conflicts and find solutions that work for everyone involved.
Good communication skills is crucial for a joyful life. Expressing our needs and having our feelings understood helps us develop meaningful connections that bring fulfillment and joy.
In a world where we interact and rely on each other more than ever, effective communication skills remain one of the most valuable assets a person can have.
The S.E.W. Practice
The S.E.W. Practice, created by Julia B. Cowell, Ph.D, is the most effective way to approach a personal conversation. Judgement and criticism invariable leads to defensiveness, which never solves any issue.
With the S.E.W. practice, you may start by describing the sensations you feel in your body, then the emotions you feel, and then you will describe what you want, or not want.
S. SENSATIONS
You first describe the sensations you feel in your body. Noticing your sensations brings your attention to where it belongs: Away from the outside and back to your own inner experience.
You can describe them as:
Tension in your chest, neck, shoulders, jaw
Contraction in your throat
Heaviness in your chest
A knot, flutters or twisting in your stomach.
All sensations indicate an emotion.
E. EMOTIONS
Tension up around you jaw, neck, shoulders tells you you’re angry because you’re not getting what you want (or getting what you don’t want).
Contraction in your throat or heaviness in you chest is an indication that you’re sad because you’ve experienced loss.
And flutters or twisting in your stomach or chest tells you you’re scared, that you’re perceiving a threat or a danger.
Does that mean there truly is an obstacle, intrusion, loss, or threat? Nope. You pretty much made all of that up, through how you see the world. It is your interpretation, your perception of the situation, but it is affecting you, so you need to describe it so the person undertands where you are coming from.
W. WANT
If you feel your sensations fully, and let your emotions move through completely (like watching a weather-front pass by), you’ll get to the third element of unarguability: What you really want.
You can thank your body for telling you everything you need to know to get there. It’s completely reliable in its communication. It just needs time. This way of communicating how we feel and what we want does not go into judgement or criticism of ourselves or the other.
When partners are committed to using S.E.W, it immediately puts them back on an even playing field. All conflicts can be worked through from here. The one who might have tried to exert control (Power Up) can speak to the fear and sadness that is typically under this maneuver, moving out of their domineering position and back to vulnerability.
The one who may have done some collapsing into submission (Power Down) can find the self that might have gone into hiding, speaking up about hidden anger and wants. Instantly, the seesaw stabilizes, as each person connects deeply to themselves and then rediscovers the loop of intimacy to the other
Julia B. Colwell, PhD, states, The whole function of emotion is to deliver data to you about how you are experiencing what is going on around you. That means that when it has communicated its message, emotion is designed to move on through, like any good messenger.
The S.E.W approach begins with listening to our bodies in order to identify our emotions as we communicate with one another. In this way we honor our emotions and our bodies by tuning into their internal messages to create healthy loving relationships.
Here’s what this sounds like:
A dialogue leading to entanglement and power struggle
Chris: I’m arriving home so hungry AND you burned dinner again. What were you thinking?? [Controlling through criticism]
Pat: Why are you always so mean to me?! [Resisting through collapse]
Chris: Oh my God. You are so sensitive. Get a spine! [Controlling through contempt]
Pat: Don’t you see how I’m suffering?? I’m feeling so depressed…(Runs out of the room, falling on the bed sobbing) [Resisting through distancing and inner attack]
Now, let’s help this poor couple with S.E.W.
Chris: I notice my stomach is in a knot. I guess I’m scared. I came home later than I said I would and I was afraid you’d be mad. (Pausing to breathe.)
Pat: Oh…
Chris: Actually, I’ve been scared since this morning when I was talking to my boss. And I was sad, too, sad to leave you this morning.
Pat: Yeah, I missed you too. Pausing. Hmmm. But I notice that my jaw is tight. I realize that I’ve been afraid to bring this up.
Chris: Oh?
Pat: Uh-huh. Now I see that I’m mad.
Chris: Oh. Why?
Pat: Yep, I stopped myself from saying anything. (Moving around with lots of body and jaw movements.) I’d like to have a better agreement about what time we eat dinner.
Chris: Yeah, I appreciate how you cook for us.
Pat: What would you think about texting me right when you’re leaving for home?
Chris: Great idea. That’s easy. Sure!
Conflicts happen when power dynamics take over. Speaking the unarguable truth with S.E.W. brings power back into balance. Connection and flow are restored, making way for the love and aliveness that have been available all along.
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